


Erotic Fiction

by Lauren (notalwaysweak)



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-06-04
Updated: 2003-06-04
Packaged: 2017-10-05 23:21:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/47143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notalwaysweak/pseuds/Lauren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The premise for this story was that in the Red Dwarf Log No. 1996, Rimmer instigated an erotic fiction competition (August 5th). The concept fascinated me and I decided to write a bit of fic around it. The story parts in italics are taken directly from the book. This fic was written in one sitting before breakfast, which leads me to conclude that the plotbunny bit me during the night when I was asleep and couldn't do anything about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Erotic Fiction

**Author's Note:**

> Red Dwarf characters belong to Grant Naylor.

'Erotic fiction?' Lister stared at Rimmer. 'Are you mad? None of us can write.'

'Yes, but we've all got fantasies,' Rimmer said patiently. Suddenly, he grinned. 'Don't tell me you've never conjured up a sexy tale on any particular dark, lonely night for your own gratification. Besides, I've heard you humping the mattress.'

Lister shifted slightly, trying to hide his growing hard-on. 'Well, that doesn't mean I can write it down!' He was going distinctly red, Rimmer noted with glee. Perhaps they were going to find out some of the sordid details of Lister's relationship with Kochanski after all. And then...

Rimmer found it rather difficult to cross his legs casually without causing himself large amounts of damage, but managed somehow.

* * *

For the next three days, _Red Dwarf_ was oddly peaceful. Rimmer had announced the competition and, however reluctantly in some cases, the crew had agreed to participate. Had a stranger come aboard the ship, they would've been confronted with a few odd sights: the Cat's mode of 'writing', given that his people read by sniffing the page, was a rather unwanted one. Rimmer's pauses to stare at the screen and absently rub the heel of his hand over the bulge in his trousers was another frequent scene, although one not particularly noted by the rest of the crew, immersed as they were in their own drafts, redrafts, and edits.

Lister spent a lot of time taking cold showers.

Kryten often tried to peek over Lister's shoulder to see what he was writing, but Lister always fended him off, saying cryptically that he wanted it to be a surprise. Kryten had to settle for nitpicking Rimmer's spelling, grammar, and ideas of how big a woman's breasts could actually get before she became so top-heavy she fell over. Holly offered her own comments on this in a superior way, despite the fact that while she might have been female, she didn't actually have breasts.

Sometimes there were bursts of keys clattering even late at night, as the wannabe eroticists succumbed to the insidious naggings of their muses.

However, three days after the idea had been suggested, everyone had some kind of final entry.

* * *

_The moment she saw the gorgeous hologram with the..._

Rimmer stopped.

'Kryten, what have you done to this?'

Kryten shuffled his feet and didn't look guilty. 'Tidied up your spelling, sir.'

'There're great big black scribbles all over the page!' Rimmer scrunched the page up and bounced it off Kryten's forehead and into a nearby wastepaper basket. 'You're a complete and total smeghead.'

'If we may proceed, sir?'

The Cat's effort wasn't bad, despite the loud sniffing, but Lister swore he'd heard it before, right down to the number of buckets of yoghurt used, the flavour they were, and the places it was smeared.

Nobody was entirely sure they had wanted to hear it again, either, especially not in so much detail.

'Listy, why don't you go next?' Rimmer asked through gritted teeth, still glaring at Kryten.

'Um... I'll go last, man, I wanna blow you away,' Lister said hastily. He thought that perhaps it would help if Rimmer calmed down a little...

Holly's effort was surprisingly well written considering that she perhaps no longer had the brains she once did. Her tale of two star-crossed lovers was the longest of them all -- for some reason it had a plot as well as sex! But the crew listened raptly, hanging on every word, until the very end. When she was finished reading, she got a round of applause.

'Wow, Hol, why didn't ya do that for a living?' Lister grinned.

'Oh, you know, writing's not a very stable career. Better to get into something you know you'll do well at... and then I just never found the time. Turns out running a ship the size of a city's pretty much a full-time job after all.' She blushed.

'Listy?' Rimmer asked again.

'I said I'd go last, man.' Lister nodded at Kryten, who had only one page in his hand. 'Besides, Kryters'll only be a few minutes, won't you Kryte?' The Cat had wandered out of the sleeping quarters after Holly's tale, claiming he needed a cold shower. Nobody had asked him to prove it.

Kryten cleared his throat.

_Fasten wing nut over flange bracket below pump module. Press button 'C' to disengage ionic baseplate unit, rethreading indicator array and aligning..._

He went on in this vein for several minutes, clearly becoming more and more uncomfortable for a variety of reasons as he did so. Rimmer was staring at him and rolling his eyes, and only Holly looked like she had the faintest idea what the mechanoid was talking about.

When Kryten was finished, Lister applauded out of politeness, but Rimmer said, 'Call that erotic? I've read vending machine manuals that turned me on more!'

'I wouldn't doubt it, sir,' Kryten muttered.

'Excuse me? Excuse me, nuts-and-bolts-head? Are you calling me a pervert?'

'Pervert? Certainly not, sir.' He paused. 'I'm merely intimating that anyone who, er, 'gets off' on the instructions for refilling a vending machine with fun-sized Cherry Ripes might want to rethink his definition of what is erotic and what is not.'

'Why, you...!'

Kryten made a fast waddle for the door, Rimmer in hot pursuit.

'What about me story, man?' Lister called after him.

Rimmer paused just to be scathing. 'Lister, as if you could possibly write anything that outdid Holly's masterpiece. Hol, I declare you the winner.'

'What do I get?' Holly fluttered.

'The certain knowledge that the Cat is jacking off over your work,' Rimmer growled, turning to continue his pursuit of Kryten, who was already some hundred yards down the hall.

Holly sighed.

Lister sighed.

Holly looked at Lister.

Lister looked at his work.

'Do you want to read it to me?' Holly asked gently.

'Yeah, alright.'

Lister read his story. It was a good story -- like many first-time stories, it was clumsily written and could've stood to be run through the spelling and grammar checker on the computer. But it was honest and true, and Holly smiled at Lister when he had finished.

'Is it true?'

'I'd like it to be.' Lister placed the pages neatly on Rimmer's pillow, just in case the hologram changed his mind. 'But, you know, a few things would have to happen for that to be true.'

Holly nodded. 'It's hard to be a man of romance when the person you love is dead, isn't it?'

Lister smiled sadly. 'Maybe one day I'll get the chance... maybe one day.' He looked nervous. 'You won't tell him unless he reads it, will you?'

'Not unless you tell him my story was _Romeo and Juliet_ with more sex.'

'It was?'

Holly smirked. There were advantages to having a crew that was practically illiterate.


End file.
